hersideofstory

unspoken words of that stubborn soul…

Chapter 38: Closure

For a while, he thought this was it. The start of their ever after.
Then, he saw the next sign.
She pulled away from him, a glint of wisdom ticked in her eyes.

Back to the ball game.
Sanity is back, and she didn’t like what she saw.

Geun Suk saw the moment those eyes stared at him blankly. He felt her pulling herself away, her guard set between them. He knew .. he knew exactly when senses came back to that girl.

As she was staring at him, tilting her head, Geun Suk smiled and just looked back at her.

“What are you smiling at?”, she asked, her eyes careful.

“Welcome back”, he answered nonchalantly.

“Mwo?”

“I was waiting for you. In fact I actually timed the exact instant you will appear. You’re a bit late but I’m thankful”.

That girl squinted her eyes, smirked then said, “I’m out of here”.

And, as she was reaching for the car door, the lock automatically slid home, trapping her inside.

“Unlock the door, Geun Suk”

“I’m back to Geun Suk?”

He saw her closed her eyes and scratched her forehead. “Chebal. I’m tired. I want to go home”

“I’ll send you home after we’re done talking”

“Are we not done yet?”

“We haven’t even started”

“And what do you call the hour before this that you have been talking to me?”

“I was not talking to you”

“Mwo?”

“I was talking to that kid.. not to you”, he said, loving the irritation, confusion on her face.

“Ha! I think there’s something wrong in your head”

“And there’s something wrong with you”

“Geun Suk…”

“I’m done letting you do all the talking, Shin Hye. For once, we’ll talk in a way that this thing should be handled. Not you walking away when you feel being trapped… not you bringing out all the skeletons when you can’t find anything to say”

“Ha. Will you please stop the charade? I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s getting late and I’m tired. I want to go home”

“You will go home when I say you can go home”

“And what are you? My cell guard”

“Think whatever you want to think. We’re not leaving this car unless we discuss everything. And when I say everything, I mean every thing that is running inside that head”

“I told you I’m done talking to you”

“And I told you as well we haven’t even started talking”

“And who do you think you’re talking to earlier?”

“Your other self?”

“Ha. And what am i? Schizophrenic? Do I have a lot of alter egos? MPD?”

“MPD?”, he asked, with wrinkled forehead.

“Multiple Personality Disorder.”, and when she realized that they were having a conversation from that simple interaction, she rumpled her hair and hissed, “Aisssh!”

“Yeah. I guess you do have multiple personality disorder. I don’t even know when I’m talking to which one. Are you back to that trusting girl, or are you still the senselessly sensible mind?”

“She’s not trusting. She’s gullible”

“Woah! So I’m really talking to two alter egos here. You give me a heads up when the characters are taking another turn, hm?”

“Yah! Oppa, this is not funny. I want to go home”

“You’re running away”

“I just want to take a rest”

“Stop hiding”

“I’m not”

“And I won’t let you”

Shin Hye just looked at him. Geun Suk didn’t let go of her eyes.
He knew he’s being senseless, crude bastard. But he knew too well that the girl will not allow him to take charge if he will not use this route.

Shin Hye, feeling defeated, heaved a sigh, shrink back to her seat, and averted her eyes.

“Can we talk now?”

He saw her silent agreement as she nodded her head.

“Mianhae….”

“Oppa, if you will only…”, she stated as if having an idea on where this thing is going.

“Please, Shin Hye…chebal”, he asked, pleading her to listen.

Shin Hye shook her head, smiled weakly, knowing exactly what it is that they are threading now.

“Do you like me?”

“Mwo?”, she said, her eyes wide.

“Do you hate me, then?”

“Ha. Where are we going Geun Suk?”

“I want to talk to you”

“You’re talking to me now”

“Ani.. Aniya… You’re determined to keep your mouth shut. And I won’t let that. You have to talk to me, Shin Hye. Let’s stop running away”

“I’m not running away”

“Then, talk to me”

“I told you..”

“You don’t have anything to say to me. I heard that. Change the script. I need you to talk to me”

“Oppa! Chebal!”

“Chebal, talk to me”

“I want to go home”

“I told you, you can’t”

“Fine. What do you want to hear?”

“Anything”

“Anything… anything… the night seems a bit dark today, don’t you think? I’m tired and I can’t even lie down on my bed. I guess I will look like a panda tomorrow”

“Carry on.. talk… talk those nonsense”

“Aisssh! Oppa!”

“I’m listening…”

“I hate you…”, she said in a whisper.

Geun Suk just nodded his head.

“I hate you…”, she repeated, then unknowingly, tears started to flood her eyes.

“I hate you, did you hear me? I hate you”, she said, again and again.

Geun Suk just sat there, his head bowed down, waiting for her to open up more.

“I hate you… I hate you the moment I saw you in Bangsan. I hate you more when you keep on coming near me. I hate you when you tried to invade my space. I hate you for making me feel the way I feel then…” Shin Hye bowed her head and bit her lips. Geun Suk handed her a box of tissue, still trying very hard not to look at her. “Do you really want me to continue? You asked for this, Oppa. Ha! I’ll tell you everything now, and after this, we try to pretend that we don’t know each other”

Geun Suk did not show any reaction. He was just sitting there, listening to every word she’s saying.

“Oppa…”

“I’m listening”

“After this, we have to pretend that we don’t know each other, hm?”

“Hm…”

“Promise me..”

Geun Suk just nodded his head, still avoiding her eyes.

“I don’t think I need to spell everything out. I think you know most of them. I hated you. I liked you. Tch. I hated you. Then, I loved you. Then back to hating you again. I slipped. I fell. I stood up. I let go. Then, I fell again. And I keep on falling and falling. Until, one day, I told myself, I don’t want to feel that vulnerable anymore. I hate it, Oppa. It’s like a moth who’s always being pulled by fire. I know the consequence. I’ve been there a lot of times. But I still keep on coming near it. Until I burned my wing and fall down. I hate it Oppa. I hate you. And I hate myself for being too stubborn to learn my lesson”

“Mian..”

“Aniya.. I don’t want to go there anymore, Oppa. I don’t want to be anywhere near you. You always make it a habit to make fun of me..”

“I am not..”, then he was cut in mid-sentence when Shin Hye glared at him, asking him to stop and just listen.

“However you re-word it, in whatever way you put it, you played with me, Oppa. You played me as a fool. You always pull me anywhere, then dumping me whenever and wherever you want”

“Shin Hye…”

“That’s how I saw you the first time. You know you’re good looking. You know almost everyone likes you. And you always use it to your advantage. You treated me like your fan girls. Teasing me whenever you can.. leading me to wherever, only to drop me off when it’s convenient. But I learned my lesson. Or so, I guess I did. And then it happened again.. not only once… twice.. I don’t know. I lose count already. I told you I’m not holding you responsible. But when I come to think about it, you are. I should make you accountable. I should make you feel guilty for all those sleepless nights. Yeah.. right.. I was crying every night. You can laugh at me now. I was crying since the day I saw you. I was crying until I can’t even remember what it is that I am crying for. Until the pain would subside. Until I learn.. pretend to let go. Then you will come again and invite me to play. Then I will tell myself.. ‘Don’t. He’s getting bored again. Don’t. I don’t want to cry anymore.’ But how? I think I won’t ever learn when it comes to you. You put me under this spell. You have me in the palm of your hands. How unlucky I am to meet you on that day! But that curse would stop…. Will stop now. I won’t allow you to control me like that again. Never…”

Silence.

After a minute or two, Geun Suk let out a laugh. Shin Hye instinctively threw him a dagger look. Her tears ran freely down her cheeks, feeling defeated, feeling embarrassed, feeling laughed at.

Knowing that look, Geun Suk looked at her, smiled, then wiped her tears with his thumb.

“I thought you’re a witch”

“Mwo?”, she said, her eyes confused.

“The moment I saw you that day, I was expecting to hear you scream when you saw my face. Conceited, yes, I am. But I don’t really care how others would perceive me. I don’t give a second glance to any other when I passed by. Until you. I might be three years older… and yes, I have played a lot and I enjoyed playing. But never when I was committed. I flirted, yes. I played, yes. But I know the rules. And those with me, definitely know how to play the game and the rules. You’re a new thing to me. I haven’t seen someone like you before. I’m used to girls who couldn’t look me through the eyes. I’m used to girls saying yes even before I ask for something. But you… you’re different. The moment I saw you, there’s that shadow of defiance.. of indifference.. and I was challenged. Yeah.. I thought I was… it’s better to put it that way… I just wanted to see whether I can charm you out of your comfort zone. Ha. But the spell bounced back. I don’t know when it started. But I guess the word “challenge” was just a cover up… a word used by myself to avoid any embarrassment from the true essence of the word. I was enchanted. I was played with. The game has started, and I was still trying to fight it. No, I will not surrender. No, this is just the same as any other. No.. can’t do.. can’t be. You said I was playing with you. What will you think when I tell you that I guess I was being played with… hm.. not by you, but by some forces that I can’t see.. some thing that I can’t put my finger on. You know my story. I told you everything, How at the age of 20, some unknown voices have asked me to slow down and drop everything… drop everything for that girl waiting at that spot. Ha. I look crazy. It sounded crazy. I tried to ignore it until, somewhere, I felt the spell working on me. You are charming your way inside me, and I can’t do anything to stop it. For the first time, I got scared. For the first time, I hated myself. For the first time, I wanted something which I think I don’t deserve of having. I hoped I was just someone else. I hoped I could be someone better. I hoped I could be deserving of you. Ha. But, I’m quite selfish, have I told you that? I may not be right, but I want you with me. I may not be that someone yet, but I can be that person all young girls dreamed of in their fairy tale stories. Ha. I can be your Prince Charming. I can be anyone you want me to be. For the first time, I’m willing to let go of myself. For the first, what someone thinks matters. For the first time, I want to be worthy for someone. For the first time I longed to be someone who is worthy enough. But things went a bit shaky. I was surrendering myself, when things went out of control. And I lose you.. lose myself. I will let go, think it will be for the better. But unlike you, who thinks you were not given a choice and just found yourself dumped..standing near me, I always find myself looking for you. I am always looking for you… finding my way to you… and guess what? You are always easy to find. One look, and I know where you are. Funny, right? How you think I played you, and how I think I’m played at. How you think I have you in the palm of my hands, and how I thought you put me under a spell”

Geun Suk looked at that girl sitting beside him. She had not spoken a word since it was his turn to talk. She didn’t show any sign of disappointment…frustration…anger… she didn’t show any emotion at all.

This is not looking good. She’s beginning to hide again.

Then, he heard her say, “Kwaenchana?”

She’s trying to divert the conversation. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Ani.. I’m not”

Upon hearing his words, she instinctively looked at him. “But you said..”

“I know what I said, and I just realized, why try to hide it. I’m not ok. And I don’t think I will be. I hid for some time. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of letting them do what they’re doing now. I am not a pawn in this game. They wanted to play. I will play their game”.

“Oppa.. don’t. Let them say whatever it is that they want to say. Le them think of you that little. It’s easier to prove them wrong if they see you like that. Make it to your advantage, Oppa. Work your way to it. You show them what that dream looks like.”

Geun Suk smiled, shook his head and held that girl’s hand. Surprised, Shin Hye tried to pull away, but he held her close.

“What will I do if I did not see you that day?”

“Hm?”

“I guess, I have no other way but to find you myself. Ani.. I don’t think they will simply let it go. They want to play with me, so they will definitely put you in front of me, and they will take all their time laughing at how stupid I look when I was looking at you. I’ll give them that. They can laugh anyway they want, but I’m still thankful. And yes, you’re worth every effort.. every second of playing.. fighting in that game”

“Mwo?”

Geun Suk raised their clasped hands and said, “this is how that dream looks like. You and me, this way”

“Oppa…”

Geun Suk smiled. “You better be there when I achieved that dream. Aniya.. that dream will not be achieved if you’re not there”

“Mwo?”

“Regarding the other dream, will you be there… every step of the way.. until I show them how it looks like?”

“Eh?”

“Champs-Elysees, will you be there?”

“Oppa…” confused, Shin Hye shook her head.

“I’m holding you responsible. Let go of me, and you will see me back in the street.. in the pub… talking back at them..”

“Ha.. This is insane. You are crazy, Oppa”

“Call me whatever you want”

“You’re not a kid. Stop acting like one”

“I’ve mentioned it, right? I’m selfish. I want you. I want you with me. I can be anyone, just to make sure you’re here with me”

“You’re blackmailing me”

“Maybe”

“Ha! And what made you think that I will do as I was told. I don’t care whether you go back to the street.. I don’t care..”

“Don’t you?”

“Oppa! This is not fair”

“I didn’t say it is”

“I’m out of here”

Geun Suk did not say a word. Shin Hye surprised of the sudden silence, looked back at that guy.
She saw him put the key on the ignition and stared the engine.

“What are you doing?”

“Driving you home”

“Oppa…”

“I thought… you’re right, why would you care?”

“Oppa….”

“You’re not responsible… I’m not holding you responsible”

“Ahhh! Stop the car. I can’t think.”

Geun Suk grinned, stopped the car and sat there silently.

“What are you doing?”

“Giving you time to think”

“Oppa!”

“Hm?”

“Ok… I’m not mad at you anymore..”

“Hm..”, Geun Suk said, nodding his head.

“Hm?”, Shin Hye repeated, gauging his reaction.

“But..”

“But?”

“You were saying something…”

“But, I don’t think I can see you anymore. I’m not mad at you…” she was about to say something when the engine started again.”what are you doing?”

“I’m bringing you home”

“Yah!”

“Ha! I told you I’m selfish. I’d rather have you mad at me, than have you far away from me”

“Oppa, this is ridiculous”

“ Yeah.. I guess. But we can’t do anything about it”

“Aissh! Stop the car!”

“Ok…”

“But I told you everything…”

“So…”

“Don’t you think it will be too awkward to even be put together in one place, knowing that you’ve heard all those things that I said?”

“I also told you how I felt”

‘Exactly the point. Oppa, saying things like that is like drawing a line. It’s like setting a closure”

“Is that what you did? Put a closure on this?”

‘It’s supposed to be like that, right?

“Aniya..”

“Yah!”

“Wae?”

“But I told you before I put everything out.. I told you after this, we will pretend that we didn’t know each other”

“I did not agree to it.”

“But you did not stop me from saying those things. You should have stopped me, if you’re not willing to let it end”

“I didn’t have any intention to end it this way, or in any other way”

“Aissh! I’m not playing this game with you”, she said, with finality in her voice.

Here, she comes again. Why does he feel too scared whenever he comes face to face with this one? Ha!

Think, Geun Suk.. Think.. There must be a way out.

And as they were looking beyond the windshield, their eyes glued to the night sky… as one star seemed to sacrifice itself and fall down the sky, they both closed their eyes and made a wish.

Ten seconds or twenty after, Geun Suk opened his eyes, a smile on his lips.

“What are you smiling at?”,

“ Dream…. Responsibility… Closure”

“Mwo?”

“You’re my dream. The two of us together is my dream”

“Oppa..”

“And I am making you responsible, not only of my heart, but of my life as well. I don’t care whether you care or not…”

“Mwo?”

“And I’m giving you you’re closure”

Shin Hye blinked her eyes twice.. thrice, not believing those words.

And then, in a speed as fast as lightning, she saw Geun Suk’s hand offered in front of her, his eyes with a smile “Jang Geun Suk”

And as fast as the beating of her heart, she saw herself accepting that hand, hers enclosed in his, as she said, “Park Shin Hye”

And with that night, the pain and heartaches of the previous years were put in a close.
A new beginning is starting to make its path.
She’s taking responsibility of his heart..
And he on hers, without her knowing it.
And as their wish were played in the silence of the night…
The stars were singing together with their hearts…

“Grant them that dream…
Their eyes for each other
hands clasped together…
Their hands holding one another…
Maybe not today…
Not tomorrow…
But, in time…. It will be..”

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Chapter 37: (S)laying of Heart

“And you might have not loved me the way you have told me before”

And just like that, the invisible glass was shattered
And they are treading that dangerous zone… again.

Shin Hye closed her eyes the moment she realized the words that just escaped her lips. She bit her lips, reached for the car handle and said in a soft voice, “I’ll take a cab from here”.

“I do.” She heard him whispered, his hands clutched on the steering wheel.

She had a feeling that she needed to escape, to fly away from here… for the things and the words that will be said next might change the course of how they both were trying to play these things.

She heaved a sigh, would gather the courage to bid her goodbye, but what she saw and heard next broke her heart.

“I love you. I do. That’s the only thing I’m certain of”, and then, she thought she was just imagining it, but she saw tears sliding down his cheeks.

She wanted to reach for him… to stop him from hurting. He was in pain, and he’s hiding way too long that he’s slowly breaking down in front of her.

She hated the pain that he’s in and her cowardice in doing what she long wanted to do.
She cared for him. She still does. And it hurts her seeing him like this.

Shin Hye just looked at him, and when she felt tears running down her cheeks, she bit her lips trying to fight the sobs. She felt too restrained.. too trapped… too hurt. She looked away, wanting to invite logic to play its part, but sanity and logic might have gone away together, for there she saw herself, helpless, scared, looking at nothing in particular.

Geun Suk couldn’t find the right word to say, or if ever there is even the right word to say. He knows there is a battle inside the confined of his car; battles that were launched amidst the silence deafening their ears. Wounds were forced open, words were trying to find their release. They were both hoping to make something intelligent from this. But damn logic.. damn fear… how could someone be able to think when their hearts are beginning to shatter into pieces… the mere casualties of this war. His heart and hers were always on the line.

There hasn’t been anything safe, anywhere safe when both of them were placed one next to the other. Or has there been anywhere safe the moment they met that afternoon at her space? They were like tip toeing along the lines of bomb, careful.. too careful to acknowledge anything concerning them both.

Why is it too difficult to just say what they both wanted to say? To hear what they both were longing to hear. It’s not as if they will be married the following day. It’s not as if they will be causing the end of the world the moment they admitted something both of them clearly know what.

I need you. If he would tell her, he will not hurt her again, would she let go of those inhibitions? If he promised to accept and answer to anything thrown at him, will they give him the liberty to love this girl the way he wanted to? He loves her so.. too much that it keeps him wondering at times if jokes like this are thrown to any man in the world, or was he singled out to survive the pain of loving this strong?

“….would be ok”, he caught her last words and saw the faint smile on her lips.

He looked at her blankly, not sue what were said before those words. She might have sense it for she smiled at him and said, “Everything will be ok, Oppa. Trust me”

What has happened from then and now? What has filled the gap between the tears running down her eyes and his silent claim on that girl sitting beside him?

“Will you be there?”, he asked, his eyes not leaving hers.

“Hm?”, she asked back, pretending she didn’t know what was running in his head.

“When everything turns to be ok, will you be there?”, he asked gently.

“I’m always there. Always here. I never left, Oppa”

“Will you?”, he asked again, stubborn as a kid.

Shin Hye smiled, and nodded her head. Then tears begin to pool in her eyes again.

I love you. She heard the silent scream of her heart. I always do.

“It sucks, right?”, she blinked a tear or two when she heard his voice. Did he hear her? Panic started to color her eyes.

He grinned at her; that smile that simply tells her not to be worried. “You wanted to say something, yet you cannot find your voice to say it. Your brain just won’t approve. The pain is just too real that it haunted you until these days.”

“Oppa”, she said, alarm bells started to ring in her ears. She didn’t have the faintest idea that things will take this course today.

“Did I hurt you that bad? Was I such a bastard?”, he said, wiping his face with his hands.

“Oppa, let’s not talk about….”

“I was too careful.. too careful I didn’t even imagine I could play that part. I was too scared of you.. of myself.. for you whenever I’m with you. I tried not to, Shin Hye. God knows I tried not to… “

“Oppa…”

“It isn’t just fair. I didn’t mean to play… I wanted to play you out…to get you out of that field. You’re too young, and I don’t think you know the rules… and I don’t want you to know the rules… ‘you’re in the wrong field, little girl‘you cannot afford it here’. I keep on telling you silently, but you just won’t listen. You keep on coming back. And I keep on losing my games because I can’t afford to let you in. When I shooed you away, and you didn’t come back the following day, I pretended everything is going smoothly. Until the game bored me. And I saw you on the other field, playing the innocent at the sideline. You were watching them, your harmless playmates… and when you decided to get the jersey on and play it yourself, I will be damned if I will just stand there and watch you getting along with them. Aniya, if you cannot play my field, I’ll play yours. “

“Jang Geun Suk-ssi…”, she said, confused on where this conversation is going.

“And when I started to play it fair, they played their games. And I lost… I lost a lot.. got lost a couple of times.. a thousand of miles… I played by the rule, but they keep on changing it. I played.. yeah… I was glaring in the playing field, but I still abide by the rules. I don’t want them to throw me out. I may have given a yellow card. The game will be over, but I will never leave that field, not until I have you clamped beside me. I might be beaten, but I will not be thrown out”

“Oppa , please…”, she said, her eyes pleading him on what… she didn’t know.

Geun Suk cupped her face, wiped her tears with his thumb and whispered, “I’m sorry I love you. But I am not sorry that I love you. “ then he smiled at the playfulness of his words. “I will stay. I will not go anywhere. Just don’t let them throw me out. I will play the game, fight until the end, just … don’t surrender on me, hm?”

“Hm?”, she asked, a bit confused.

He kissed the tip of her nose, shook his head then said, “they might throw anything at me and I will not give them a second glance. But the moment you have these tears… these creases on your brows… I don’t have any other choice but wave the white flag. You’re my Achilles heel, Princess. One jab.. one tear from your eye, and I’m done”

“Oppa, you’re drunk”, she said, half smiling, half teasing him, her eyes in her heart.

“Are you not scared of me?”

“Ani… why would i?”

“My Little Red Riding Hood, I’m the wolf that you have to be scared of”

“I don’t see you as a wolf. You’re a Prince cursed by a wicked witch”, she said, her heart aching at the way he’s seeing himself.

Geun Suk reached for her, and touched her cheeks. “So will you be the Princess who will kiss me to turn me to that Prince you said I was?”

Startled, Shin Hye’s eyes widened. His eyes locked with hers, waiting for her to push him away.

Their eyes met….

“I will count to three, and I will claim my kiss, Princess. One…”

Fear started to creep down her spine. “But I haven’t asked you to get my golden ball from the pond”, she started to inch towards the passenger door. She saw him unbuckled his seatbelt, his hand not leaving her cheeks.

“You don’t have a golden ball because you’re not the deceitful Princess. You’re my Little Red Riding Hood. My ever innocent, trusting and unsuspecting Little Red Riding Hood. Two”, he was just supposed to tease her…

“But you’re not a wolf”, she said, hand cupping his face.

That’s it. All control went away. “Three.. “he said, held her hand on his cheek and placed it on his heart .

“Oppa, I don’t think”, she whispered, shrinking in her seat, feeling dwarfed by him.

“Good. Don’t think”, and as if that settled all, he slowly neared his face on hers, lightly brush his lips on hers. He kissed her softly, his hand on her face. She closed her eyes, his heart hammering inside his chest.

Tinker Bell seemed to leave Peter Pan in Neverland and showered them with pixie dust. Shin Hye felt the world go in slow motion, her heart stopped beating .

Geun Suk put his arm on the door behind Shin Hye, levering his weight. He kissed her lightly, he didn’t know he’s capable of such kisses.

As their lips touched, fireworks have started exploding, butterflies have flown around them… then, slowly, as if on cue, a tear fell from their eyes… they didn’t think.

For a moment, they both let go.
For a split of second, they tried to let loose from those chains, from that logic which kept them tied down.
For a while, they acted on how such emotions should have been played in movies.

No script. No word.

But not like the movies, this doesn’t simply end with “The End” and a serene sunset on the background.

They both need put their feet back on the ground, and welcome reason and sensibility with open arms.

For a moment, he didn’t want to go back.
For a split of second, she didn’t want to open her eyes.
In a little while, he slowly pulled away, his forehead on hers.

“ I love you”, he whispered.

She closed her eyes, and let her heart dance in joy after hearing those words.
She thanked her senses for taking the back seat for a while.
She smiled, and then slowly she opened her eyes, only to be flushed in embarrassment as she saw him intently looking at her face, his thumb simply touching the corner of her mouth.

“You have “ever after” stamped on your forehead. I got scared the moment I saw the sign. I ran away… ran far away only to be brought back in front of you again and again. The second moment I saw the sign, I smiled and whispered, lucky it was me who read the sign. I am twenty two, you’re nineteen, you’re stuck with me.. with your ever after.”

For a while, he thought this was it. The start of their ever after.
Then, he saw the next sign.
She pulled away from him, a glint of wisdom ticked in her eyes.

Back to the ball game.
Sanity is back, and she didn’t like what she saw.

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4* 4th Loop (hole): Turning Back the Hands of Time

“Shin Hye.. Shin Hye”… her Mom called unto her after a few moment of being lost into somewhere.

Shin Hye blinked her eyes once or twice, shook her head then looked at the owner of the voice. “Deh, Eomma?”

“I said, what do you want to eat?”

Shin Hye looked at her Mom, smiled weakly then said, “Eomma, can I be excused? I will eat a bit later. I will just go biking for a while. Can I?”

“Shin Hye-ya..”, her Mom said, worriedly.

“I’m fine, Eomma. I am”, then she stood up and hugged her Mom.

“An hour Shin Hye, and if I will not see you, I will call….”

“I’ll be here, Eomma. Don’t worry”, she said, not wanting to hear what her Eomma will be saying after that.

She stepped outside of the house, stared at a far away distance, took Pixie from the garage, then paused at the porch. Somewhere around that area, someone is watching her. A pair of eyes was not leaving her face, and that familiar warmth enveloped her being. She did a brief glance at that side, and was not surprised to find him parked at that distance.

7.30am. Still too early for him to wake up on days like these. What time did he wake up to come here this early? Did he even go back home last night?

She saw him last night before she went to bed. It was already in the middle of the night. She was not sleepy yet, but seeing him parked at the opposite curb made her want to resign to bed that early, hoping that he will go back after he sees her room light turned off.

What happened? What simply happened between them?

Somewhere along the way, between the start and the on going days of this year, from Team H launching and TGRO7 premier, from start and end of FBND, somewhere between those time, something has gone wrong. They might be too busy to notice, too lost in schedules, too involved in so many things, that the usual sweet dreams’ and dream of me’s have changed to good night’s, the I love you’s have come to how are you’s, the I miss you’s became where are you’s, the can I see you’s changed to see you’s .. tonight… later.. maybe not today… maybe next week.. when I’m sober enough… when my day’s free.. when we’re both free.

Somewhere along those lines, someone might have stopped a moment, looked back, looked not too far away.. and when she did not see nor feel his presence, she looked further back, only to find out that they were too far away… far to see nor hear what each other is feeling.

She stopped, paused, slowed down. She inched her way a little, hoping to catch up with him.. hoping that he will slow down as well and find some time to see what’s happening between them. She waited. She stayed. Until one day, while she’s nearing that line separating her from him, separating her pride and her ever giving self, she stopped at that point, stared at that guy, wondering if ever he even noticed the distance that is now in between them.

She looked at him from afar. Nothing seemed to be wrong. He’s laughing. He’s having fun. She tried to close her eyes, trying to read what it is that he’s feeling. Nothing.

Nothing. She didn’t feel nor hear a thing. He’s fine. He’s doing just fine.

Nothing. Then she paused. Her world trembled. Something seems wrong but he seems just right.

Nothing. Then she looked at herself. Nothing. Nothing seems wrong and everything is doing just fine.

Nothing. Yet, she feels scared. Lost.

She was looking at herself, having a feel of herself, when somewhere along that brief encounter with the reality, someone pulled her out again, waking her up and making her play her part for the other world where she lives in.

At the premier of TGRO7, she was waiting.. waiting for him, only to be left disappointed when he did not show up.
And somewhere along the screening, at one point, she imagined herself meeting him and watching the movie together.
She waited and waited, but it did not happen.

FBND has started. And ended, but she didn’t hear anything special from him.
She waited and waited, until finale and special interviews were out, but nothing.

Her name has been entangled with her chingu.. interviews with him and with her will always include his and her name. She smiled, scolding herself for the childishness of hoping to hear him rant on his possessiveness and jealousy… still, nothing.

The question of ideal. The charming ryu seung ryeong and the pretty boy Jang Geun Suk. None, she said. And he said, nothing.

His name and that name appeared in her first tour. She was hoping to receive a call after the not so smart answer… silence.

Nothing. And the nothing stretch until silence does not feel too comforting.

Until silence feels a bit scary.. a bit out of tune.. then that “a bit” slowly becomes too much.
And the too much becomes too disturbing.. the disturbance appeared to be a bit normal..
That a bit normal.. becomes a bit too normal..
Then, the silence and the nothing becomes the peg setting.
And the awkwardness and the nothing and the silence become normal.

That it came to a point that when she received a call from him, the usual “Oppa!”with a shriek is changed to, “yes.. hm.. hm.. arasseo. Good night”

The bantering and talking until midnight became a one-minute how are you’s and the surprised visits became too surprising that she would at times paused and stare at him at their doorsteps, not sure how to face nor start a conversation with him.

The day starts and ends just like how her normal day would go.

She had breakfast with her Eomma, slept a couple of hours more upto mid afternoon, finished some papers due in school, played with Bongji and Nori, then checked her phone, and smiled unknowingly when he saw his tweet.

She walked back to Han, with Nori and Bongji in tow.

She read his messages, shaking her head, laughing, despising the attempt to make the announcement of those signature things laughable. Others would definitely bash him again, but knowing him.. he definitely would not…

Knowing him… knowing him… does she still know him?

She smiled a bitter-sweet one, then after a minute or two, she looked at the Han again.

He attended a wedding.. just like what she did last time.
What he did the other time, and what she did the time before that.

Things are going in circle. But the circle keeps on going on its own.
It forgot the idea of oneness.. of two persons becoming one.. that their circles, their comfort zones would intertwine, that once, their two spaces become the same and one… until it sees the difference… the need to see the difference and then suddenly, the common zones became narrower and smaller, until it suddenly became entirely different, that the point where the hook is holding both circles together became the only connection between the two.

At that day of my wedding, do you think you can spare some time to be there for me?

Shin Hye smiled. A tear dropped from her eyes. She hasn’t cried for some time.
She’s too busy.. too involved.. too scared to be involved.
The idea of finally come to realization.. the acceptance.. and the idea touching your emotions is too scary.
The tear should not have been there. That simply strengthen the truth.. the reality that they are slowly becoming nothing.

Will you be there for me.. at my wedding?

She heaved a deep breath..

The promise of a happy ending somehow has taken a shift.
A special day with him… could he be there… not with her… but for her..

The shrewdness of her playfulness in words.. sometimes is amazing… but at this point, it simply is painful.

“It is best to have a walk at times like this”

8 Comments »

3* Third Loop

Everyone wants a piece of my Princess.
Do you think she’s gracious enough to give a lowly man like me an hour or two?

Shin Hye smiled as she read that message.

Why is this lowly man asking for this ordinary girl’s opinion?
Can’t he ask her himself?
I wouldn’t know.. I probably wouldn’t know.
And besides, I’m kind of lost of who among his Princesses he is talking about.

Send. Shin Hye looked at her phone, smiling, probably out of her mind to wave that red flag at this time of the day.

For goodness sake. It’s only 7 in the morning. Why is he up this early?

Shin Hye lied down on the bed again, smiling at nothing in particular. Aniya, it’s not that mornings like this is becoming rare and rare, but the idea that Geun Suk is also in the same soil that she is is somehow comforting… the idea that they are in the same time zone, waking up in the same side of the globe is quite new.. rare.

Two minutes. Five. Ten.

Still no reply.

“Aisshhh!”, Shin Hye tossed her phone, and rumpled her hair. “Just like that.. simply like that and it’s called off. Jinja Oppa! Can’t you try harder, pretend a little that you understand that sometimes I also need to feel being chase after. Aissh! Jinja!”

With fire in her eyes, Shin Hye searched for her phone again, and immediately sent a message.

Found the courage to ask the Princess; hence, no time to say thank you to this ordinary girl.
I hate you, Oppa!

And with that, Shin Hye officially dropped her phone somewhere, went straight to her bathroom, and prepare for her, and her “alone” day to begin.

She was running from her room, her hair tied in pony tail, a sweatpants and loose shirt, ready for her biking routine, when she remembered breakfast specifically served today.

“Eomma!” she called as she was going down the stairs.

“Going somewhere, Alice”, her Mom asked, as she saw her taking the last step down.

Shin Hye just pouted, and shook her head. “ Will just do some biking and might probably think of other things to do later”

“Don’t have any schedule today”

Shin Hye shook her head, still with that pout, hug her Mom from behind, and as they were walking towards the kitchen, she was saying, “no schedule, but no one would want to play with me. “

“Find a playmate, and his head will definitely roll down the ground”

Shin Hye’s eyes automatically flew to that corner, her face paled, then flushed upon seeing that guy holding a bowl of scrambled egg, a frying pan on one hand, and deadly glare in his eyes.

“Oppa!”, was all she could utter.

“Good morning, Princess”, he said, with a curt.

Shin Hye tightened her grip to her Eomma, her legs backing off, while her Mom was just smiling at both of them.

“I’ll leave you both for a while. I need to continue with the necklaces that I am preparing for the next fan meeting. Geun Suk, are you sure it’s ok to leave you in the kitchen?”

“Deh, Jangmonin. Just don’t forget to leave your Princess as well. I have this gut feeling that she will be flying out of this kitchen at any moment”, Geun Suk smiled sweetly at Mrs. Park, then returned his icy eyes to that girl.

‘Eomma..”, Shin Hye whispered, as if asking for help.

“I’ll leave you two here. I don’t want to see blood on my kitchen floor, Geun Suk”, her Mom said teasingly.

“No worries, Jangmonin. If ever there will be, I will clean them myself before you witness the end story of the murder that is about to happen”

“Yah! Oppa!”

“Scared, Princess?”

“Eomma”, Shin Hye called unto her Mom’s retreating back.

She was left standing there, fiddling with her fingers, not sure on what to do or say.

“Sit!”, that guy said without looking at her.

Shin Hye almost tumbled down as she immediately pulled a chair and settled herself.

Closing her eyes, calming her nerves, trying to figure out why she is scared, and when she come to the conclusion that she did not do anything wrong to be treated like a problem child, she opened her eyes in a flash, ready for her attack.

But what she saw next disarmed her. Geun Suk was standing opposite her, a plate of her favorite dishes in one hand, a hot cup of chocolate drink on the other, while his eyes are settled on her face. His face was tilted as if reading her thoughts, and the moment her eyes met his, his gaze softened, his lips with a smile.

“what did I do?”, he started without removing his eyes from hers, while setting her breakfast on the table. “I didn’t do anything? Are you sure?”

As if they both can read the mind of the other, Shin Hye just looked at him, and slowly nodded her head, then shook it, as if emphasizing her words. “Didn’t do anything..”

“Maybe I read it wrongly.. maybe I heard it wrongly. I guess you’re declaring a war”

Guilty. Shin Hye bowed her head, cutting the connection between their eyes. And then as stubborn as she is, with no hint of remorse, she lifted her head again, challenging that guy “Wae? I just said why not ask the Princess. And then, you did not dare reply after”

“Maybe I decided to do as I was told. Why not ask the Princess herself”

“And have you?”

“Haven’t given the chance yet”

“And why are you here?”

“Ah.. we’re still back on that game. I think I should be the one to be a bit shaken, insecure at the moment. I think I deserve to pull out that rant at this point, insecure”

“I am not insecure!”, she said, her childish self channeling immediately.

“I didn’t say you were. I said, I suppose I should be”

“You didn’t say I am, but you implied”

“Hm…”, Geun Suk said, nodding his head, while pulling the chair opposite her. “And, may I ask if my Princess did not feel a bit insecure when she threw at me the question of my Princess’ identity”

“How would I know?”

“How would you know if you feel insecure?”

“How would I know who among us girls you are referring to?”

“This is not funny… not even a bit. Are you playing with me, or you simply wanted me to chase after you?”

About to feel guilty, her head shoot up that moment she heard his next words. “You were inside my room?”

“Did you see me there?”

Shin Hye blinked her eyes twice or thrice, and with fire starting to flare in her eyes, Geun Suk immediately backed off. “I was outside. And I was not spying at you, if that’s the reason for those fire. I just happen to pass by… actually, was about to call you, when I witness… heard the silent monologue again”, he said, rubbing the back of his neck, aware of the sudden turnaround of events.

Silence.

“Guilty as charged. I want you to chase after me, Oppa”, she said lowering her eyes.

Geun Suk lifted his head, smiled, then said, “So, there’s no need to recite my vow? To assure you the very least that you are the only one… that I haven’t laid eyes on anyone since I saw you that day”

“Ani… ani.. remove that phrase. It’s not as if you have your eyes only on me since that day. We both know that’s not true”

“Oh, so aside from the renewal of vow, do we need to do another history review… count that number of girls that I’ve met..

“and was with”, she added

“ok.. so was with since that blessed afternoon. Do I need to spell out their names and enumerate those instances you’ve met each one of them?”

“yah!”

“Wae? You’re the common denominator of them all. At one point or another, each one of them has met you. Can you imagine that? You’re the only constant thing in my life.. well save for my Eomma and Appa..”

“And Team H”

“Are you also insecure of Team H”

“Yah! I told you I’m not insecure”.

Geun Suk simply ignored that one, then gearing back to the problem at hand.. “Princess, will you please, for your goodness sake, not put your name together with the word girls in one sentence. You’re not supposed to be in a place with the others”

“Wae? Because I’m insecure?”, she said with a pout, suddenly hurt by those words.

“Aisshh!”, Geun Suk took her hand, played with it, then slowly met her eyes then said, “Because they are not worth mentioning when you’re name is already there”

“So you’re sweet talking me now?”, she said, with defiance.

Geun Suk’s jaw dropped, sometimes getting crazy with the way this girl’s mind work. And when he’s about to loosen his hold on her, he saw her smiled then said, “I love you, my Frog Prince”

“Ha!”, Geun Suk closed his eyes, smiled, then said arrogantly, ‘I am now the Asia Prince, but still the Frog Prince to your standard”

“You might be their Asia Prince, but you will always be my Frog Prince. You surprised me to be someone I really hate upfront. You bully me after, persuade me that you are a Prince”

“Your Prince”

“Yeah, my Prince.. then you dare me to kiss you so you can transform into the Prince that I dreamed of”

“And I become that dream, am I not?”

“Minus the smoking and the drinking”

“We can sort that out”

Shin Hye smiled, suddenly remembering those years that were.

“I am not your ideal, you said”

“Not the pretty boy-type Jang Geun Suk, I said”, knowing in an instant what it was he was referring to.

“So I am?”

“You are insecure”, she said, teasingly, and was taken aback when he whispered, “I am”

“Oppa..”

“I might be conceited at times..”

“A lot of times”

“Ok, a lot of times, but when it comes to you, I don’t think I’m even at par to someone you simply deserve”

“That’s total humility, I see”, she said, smiling at him.

“Simply the truth”

“I love you. Do I need to renew the vow as well?”

Geun Suk smiled, then shook his head. “Ani… I want to hear it on that day.. that day when you will officially be mine”

“So we’re not yet official”

Geun Suk’s face suddenly stiffened and in his low voice, commanded, “Eat, before the food gets cold”

“And where is your plate, Mr. Jang? Don’t tell me you’ll be full by simply seeing me eat, because if you dare say that, this plate will definitely fly “

“Ha. Don’t be too conceited Princess. I do the cooking, so it is your responsibility to feed me. Ah”, he said as he opened his mouth.

“Aisssh!”, she pretended to be annoyed, as she smiled, feeding that guy.

“Ah cham, I heard, the other flower boy still hasn’t given up after the call I gave him during the Etude House series”

“Hm.. nugu?”, she asked, while slicing the sausages.

“The heir”, then he smirked, the red flag waving again.

8 Comments »

missrickless

A Napkin dreams..

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booksandrumblings

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